This time which has recently passed by

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Has left me thinking a bit too much. 

Nothing really new to me, since I usually think about things more than I should.

This time it’s different. 

Everything is changing and moving in a new direction. 

A version of me I used to know is dying slowly. 

I watch it die. Everyday and all the time.

Haven’t come close to my pen nor the keyboard in what has felt like long weeks. 

The weather changes and I follow. 

Humans are sensible creatures and we change blindly with our eyes open looking though the fog. 

Everything feels as if dying around me. 

Might sound a bit exaggerated, but it feel to me a bit like that. 

How come, I can approach myself and put something down in words when I can’t shut down the voice inside of me. 

Stop. For a moment. Leave me alone… or not… I’ll be left too much for my own. 

I’ve come back to living alone. This voice of mine and me must have peace to persevere this time. 

Create peace within the chaos of my mind. 

Too many tabs open, too many ideas unfinished, too many thoughts left in the ‘I’ll remember this later’ box, and seeming to forget how creative ideas and plans have expiration dates. 

I weather is more gloomy. 

I don’t seem to be ready now. 

Short days again are coming. 

Autumn has begun. 

I have to let go. 

Everything seems to be letting go of me first though. 

I can’t seem to be grasping onto anything with a firm and steady hand these days. 

Everything slips off. I let myself slip off. 

I never really have grasped to anything, it seems. 

Only to myself. The only thing I’ve had and will have for all of my life. 

Things begin to rot around me. The unpleasant smell hasn’t begun yet. It must be on its way by now. 

Things begin to feel heavy. 

I have everything anyone looking for a lucky – so to say – and blessed life would want.

‘She has everything’ they’d say. And I guess I do. In some ways, I am truly blessed. Unimaginably blessed with the amount of good things I have. Why must I feel like this then?

I wake up before my eight hours of sleep hit in the morning. 

I open my eyes and lay.

What else?

No one really waits for me and I don’t expect anyone.

Back to square one within my own solitude. 

My own silence. 

From time to time I remember this life might all be a mere illusion and I can think of myself as just being an ephemeral and eternal light being. It reminds me how everything has some paradox to itself and I should not take things as seriously because why would I in the first place?

In the end, life in this body will last for a while so I wouldn’t waste it. 

Life is to live and not to nudge. 

Either way, life is heavy and hard sometimes… but that’s exactly what makes the whole experience beautiful.

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I am evolving. A piece of me is dying inside. 

My art feels as if it is dying a bit.

People who used to ignite a fire inside of me and I thought I could call them friends, seem to be dying inside of me now. 

Habits I used to think they were helpful, dead now. 

Ideas I believed to be interesting or inspiring, jumped through the 7th floor of my building’s window.

Innocence in love, there is no such thing as that anymore. 

Motivations to do things, on the way to walk out the door. 

The person I thought I knew, came to my dreams a couple of days ago to tell me I never really knew him. Great, huh?

The version of myself I thought I had began to know has dissolved into the sky. 

Funny to me when people say they know me and I can barely get to decipher anything about myself these days. 

You might call it being in your 20s. Yeah, maybe it’s that. 

If this is the best time of my life, then may God have mercy on me because I don’t want to imagine feeling more of this in the ‘least best’ moment…

I SOUND SO DRAMATIC AND UNBEARABLE BUT I’VE BEEN HAVING ENOUGH WITH EVERYTHING.

Daring to walk around city streets with no clue of what the heck is going on with anything. 

No one really knows what they are doing in this planet to be honest, or has their shit figured out. 

But this life is getting a bit too INTENSE.

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There is this one person. They always makes me sit and listen to their motifs to their art, their inspirations, the reason why they created the composition, how it relieves a part of their suffering, why it is important for people to see this piece, what they want to do with it, the things they’ve changed about it in the last days, who they sent it to, what they replied, who will they send it to, how much time, stress, and energy it has taken for them to do this piece… I’ve just sat and listened. Provided my opinion and encouraged them to do more of it.

Later I was told by them that I lack respect for their person.

This is the same person to whom I’ve only asked two times, for them to read something I’ve written (one of them being inspired in an idea they offered me to write on) and told me that they will try to make the time some day of their absurdly busy lives to read a 6 minute read I’ve sent them back in June. 

They have said to me, up til now (end of september), they’ve only read half through it.

Or simply asks me to talk about this in another time. 

It’s absurd.

And simply life feels like this in almost every way now. 

I bring up an idea of something, and instead of being supported or encouraged to do it, it gets immediately criticized. Lovely, damn.

Other times I’ve asked a person to read some of the things I’ve written down and they said they don’t want to since they’d be afraid to read something they think they shouldn’t have read, even thought they knew I would appreciate if they did. 

And they simply did not read it.

Not until 2 months before we became some strangers with memories. 

Why do I do this to myself?????????

Why do this things happen to me and why do I allow them to be??????????????????

I don’t think what I do is the most revolutionary thing anyone has done, because I am far from doing something like that…

But it’s tiring to put so much in a basket for someone and not receiving back even 1/8 part of what one puts in.

They say we should do things without expecting an outcome out of the things we do.

Simply doing them from the heart. 

And maybe we should… but for what? Its tiring at some point… in many different ways.

People won’t treat you better for being a better person. Neither for being an ass.

A hard pill to swallow, but I guess I it is what it is.

Some say this is foolish, but who would say those who say ‘it’s foolish’, are foolish right about themselves.

They would never admit it, since this thought comes from ego and a materialistic mindset. 

In the end, we are all alone and we die alone. 

We create communities, but we form them by a union of individuals. You see where I’m going?

That version of me, is dying.

It sounds harsh, but out of this, something new will bloom. 

And it is beautiful.

Although scary. 

I think of myself as a candle a bit. 

All the wax has burnt down now. I’ve used it up. There is no more to be used. 

A new one must be brought to place. 

This period of absence between having and not having a candle, is unsettling. 

What is next? We know. New candle.

Before? There was a candle. 

And in between? No candle.

Sounds a bit ridiculous but it is more than just that. 

It is a period of nothingness.

Something has to fill the nothingness because it is not absolute. Ever.

Something in nothing and nothing in something. 

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Seems as if I got myself into a tongue twister …

This is my biggest ‘What Was I Made For’ moment in a long while.

Thing is; I’m tired.

Tired of people’s arrogance. 

Ignorance.

Oblivion towards things. 

Lack of love. 

People pretending not to care because of being scared of scaring others with love. 

Tired of being second for most.

Tired of being tired. 

Of feeling unmotivated. 

Of not being taken seriously.

Of feeling so endlessly alone.

Of not seeming to find a white light at the end of the tunnel.

Of feeling left behind.

Of experiencing the male gaze constantly and not being looked for something more than what I look like. 

Of women being mean to each other. 

Of having women tell me I constantly look intimidating for some reason (?)

Of asking something simple and getting into problems because of it. 

Of people suggesting to me I should smile more.

Of people being mean. 

Of self destructive tendencies. 

Of the lack of ability to slow down. 

Of not having people I love close to me. 

Of longing for people I love. 

Of longing for people that I thought felt some level of appreciation towards me.

Of giving so much of myself to people who won’t appreciate even half of it.

Of wondering if they might think about me the way I do. 

Of being afraid to say something that might get me in trouble for no reason.

Of being seen as walking meat and constantly objectified. 

Of the ‘do you have a boyfriend???’

Of feeling misunderstood.

Of people thinking what they have to say is the most important thing in the world and whatever comes from others mouth is not it. 

Of creating a duality for everything. 

Of separating everything. 

Of people thinking I don’t know because I’m young. 

Of having my emotions, ideas, and thoughts invalidated.

Of having people think I cannot do things. 

Of people trying to build walls around me.

I’m tired. 

So tired. 

Maybe I’m letting myself fall into others’ dumb excuses, but for some reason it feels heavier these days. 

People have a problem, they should go fix it.

There is no one to blame but oneself. 

I don’t know what I’ve done to create such a long list of things, but I guess this moment is for me to dive deep into myself and make a self inspection. 

I’m slowly murdering her. She is slowly ending herself on the inside. I don’t think I know her anymore.

I don’t think I ever really did, at this point.

The girl that has created this for herself.

My body is telling me fuck you for creating an avatar that believes some of these things and allow for them to affect you. 

She is on her way to be reborn. And y’all should begin to watch out. Because she will make you hella uncomfortable. 

I know this.

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I had a dream this week about me dying. 

I was not scared of dying, but afraid of not having lived enough.

They have said for me to not worry much about this. Fuck that. 

Not that I worry about dying, because I will, and I am.

I want to see all the colors meanwhile I can.

See the beautiful light reflection. It’s all there is. In a way.

My head and subconscious is simply telling me to live and not forget I have to do that. 

The only thing there we can do is be. 

Live. 

Live until you die. To the fullest and not missing a second. 

Make life exciting. 

Love life. 

This is the one you got in this body.

I am a paradox. 

I contradict myself. 

I die.

You won’t miss me. 

I’ll take a short while to be back. 

A chilean friend explained to me once how he says ‘I go and I come’ to say goodbye (voy y vuelvo).

I like it. 

This is life, I think.

I’m transforming myself. A butterfly. Snail in the look for a new shell. 

You won’t even notice I’ve been gone for a while. 

Hopefully next time you see me, I have a bit of a fresher air to me.

Hopefully I feel it too. 

You have nothing to worry about. 

Everything is going just in the right direction. 

We are all perfectly situated.

Alles gut. Kein problem meine Freunde ;).

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Take care dear.

Life is not that serious. We are here just for a short period of time. 

Live.

With love, 

MyBk